Doesn’t this describe … every team he’s talking with?

If MLB insider Jon Heyman’s latest reason why Juan Soto might be turned off by the New York Yankees’ pitch is accurate, then the 26-year-old might be deeply unsatisfied by every single one of the teams currently chasing him.

Heyman’s column published Thursday night began by laying out all the ways in which Hal Steinbrenner forged a connection with Soto in what an insider called a “great pitch” this week. Purportedly, Soto was seeking more input and a tighter pipeline to the head honcho, akin to what Gerrit Cole and Aaron Judge currently have. Steinbrenner admitted he was trying not to disrupt Soto during his singular year in the Bronx, but planned to let him in from this point forward.

Touching. Believable. Progress … made?

Then, Heyman pivoted to listing out the pros and cons of each potential bidder, and it must’ve been tough to find anything negative to say about the Yankees, given that one of their cons runs antithetical to what we witnessed all year long.

If you believe it, Heyman noted, “While he enjoyed the Bleacher Creature Roll Call, some think he prefers things somewhat quieter.” Is the 7 Line quieter? Is Boston quieter? And didn’t … Soto run out, salute, and hype up the crowd all summer long? We even have a photo of his antics leading off this very article. He certainly appeared to relish the enthusiasm in the moment, and hasn’t picked a single alternate city where said enthusiasm is likely to wane. All of these folks would go nuts for him.

Yankees free agent Juan Soto may or may not hate loud crowds?

For now, we’re going to focus on the plusses in Heyman’s column instead. After all, they lay out the concise case for Soto we’ve been keeping our eyes on all along.

“They contend every year. Soto loved the clubhouse. They also lead MLB in revenue.”

Boom. In the end, ideally it will come down to Steve Cohen’s money vs. a similar amount of Hal Steinbrenner’s money, combined with Aaron Judge’s presence and the rollicking good time he had in New York last summer.

But if Big Papi wants to make a potent recruiting pitch for Boston, maybe he should show photos and videos of the Red Sox home games from Sept. 2024, 2023 and 2022. If Soto loves dead silence, that might be the determining factor.