WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to sources, local investigators with the FBI are absolutely flummoxed by a difficult murder case, since it’s one of those rare crimes they didn’t make up and stage themselves.

“Yeah usually solving crimes is so easy, because we’re the ones that do them,” said Director Christopher Wray. “We stage the crime, then we commit the crime or entrap someone into committing it for us, and BOOM! Case closed. I love open and shut cases like that.”

“Unfortunately, in rare cases, you see crimes getting committed by someone who isn’t even in the FBI. That makes it tough because we don’t have their phone number and stuff. We have to track all that down. It’s really hard.”

With federal crimes not committed by the FBI on the rise, investigators are investing in detective stuff like long trenchcoats and magnifying glasses to help them solve those really difficult cases when they don’t already know who did it.

“We may even have to stop committing fake crimes so that we have resources for real ones,” said Wray. “I hope that day never comes. Sounds hard.”